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Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts
by Carol Tavris
(108 reviews)
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Sales Rank: 3,423
 Item Summary: |
Why do people dodge responsibility when things fall apart? Why the parade of public figures unable to own up when they screw up? Why the endless marital quarrels over who is right? Why can we see hypocrisy in others but not in ourselves? Are we all liars? Or do we really believe the stories we tell? Backed by years of research and delivered in lively, energetic prose, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) offers a fascinating explanation of self-deception—how it works, the harm it can cause, and how we can overcome it.
 Reviews: |
must read, again reread until absorbed
how to rate good books?
there are those that teach you new things-exciting you to learn more, those that are written so well that you wish you can say it that way, those that are so important that you ought to reread them to be sure you got everything into your head and are practicing those insights.
this book is that kind, the kind you really want to learn from, where so much good and important information is being taught that you want to reread the book to be sure you really understand and are using it.
confirmation bias, seeing what you want to see rather than what is there. the pyramid of self justification-to avoid cognitive dissonance and having to say you're sorry. these are the big themes. why we justify rather than learning from our mistakes and how this deforms crucial institutions around us.
just buy the book, read it, and put it on a shelf where you can easily reread it.
Excellent Book
This is an excellent book. The authors give interesting examples and explanations as to why we and others cannot seem to see our own errors. If you are married to someone who is always right, this book gives a hint as to how your spouce sees their world. Easy to read and hard to put down.
Kicking a dead horse after the first chapter
This book is a feature length article expanded into a book. After the first 30 pages, I felt like the dead horse was being kicked, and kicked, and kicked, and kicked... and it was dead. I get it... People make bad decisions, and have bad beliefs they cling to. Enough already. I tried reading every tenth page, and it was just the same stuff.
Mistakes were made in "Mistakes Were Made"
One day, Carol and Elliot were sitting around talking. "What should we do today?" asked Carol.
"Oh, I don't know. Why don't we write a book?" answered Elliot.
"But what should we write a book about?" asked Carol.
"Well," answered Elliot, "I've noticed that people deceive themselves, shift blame, and lack self awareness. Why don't we write a book about that?"
"Because everyone with half a brain already knows that, stupid!" answered Carol. "It would be a boring book!"
"Well," answered Elliot, "maybe if we use a new, fancy name for 'self-deception,' the book would sell a lot of copies and we could make a lot of money."
"Hmm," answered Carol. "Maybe. What should we call it?"
"Oh, I don't know," said Elliot. "How about 'dissonance theory'?"
"Ooh, that sounds fancy!" gushed Carol. "I bet it would sell lots of copies!"
"Sure!" agreed Elliot. "And to be politically correct, we could make sure all of the dissonance-preserving examples that we give are from conservative Republicans!"
And so Carol and Elliot wrote the book "Mistakes Were Made."
Actually, although the premise of the book is obvious, I enjoyed it a lot. It is well-written, interesting, and the real-life examples are entertaining, if somewhat unbalanced. I wonder if Carol and Elliot actually know that 90% of their examples are from conservative Republicans? Could it be that the authors of a book about blind spots have their own blind spot?
Of course they do. We all have blind spots. Only those with a terminal case of blind-spot-itis are actually unaware that they have blind spots. The problem is, there are too many people with such a terminal case. So I wish everyone would read this book.
I noticed that the book agrees quite well with the Bible. Jesus and others in the Bible talked a lot about blind spots and self-deception. The book points out that, somewhat nonintuitively, we tend to have a high opinion NOT of people who do nice things for us, but of people who we do nice things for. This agrees with the Bible, which teaches that love is not a nice feeling about someone else; rather, love consists of actions which benefit someone else, which then lead to nice feelings about the other person. "He who keeps my commandments loves me," Jesus said. Christians often think that this means that if we love Jesus, then we will keep his commandments. But perhaps he meant that if we keep his commandments, we will learn to love him. The Apostle John wrote, "Let us love in deed and in truth." In other words, true love is preceded by action.
One (unintentionally) humorous example in the book is the lionization of Oprah Winfrey for admitting she made a mistake in believing James Frey's lies in his book, "A Million Little Pieces." Oprah milked her mistake for all it was worth to increase her ratings, but Carol and Elliot are awestruck that she admitted a mistake, and they put her on the same level as Mother Teresa. Oprah was looking for ratings, nothing else. Imagine this: a drug-selling, priest-beating, con artist writes a book, and Oprah buys it - hook, line, and sinker. How could anyone be so gullible and naive? No, she wasn't naive - she was looking for ratings. She got ratings when she allowed Frey to lie to her, and then she got more ratings when she called Frey on the carpet for lying to her. I don't blame her - that's her job - but don't drool all over her about it!
Another irritating point in the book is the blame that Carol and Elliot place on the architects of the Iraq war. It's so easy to sit in an ivory tower, wait a few years after the hard decisions are made, and then use your Monday morning quarterbacking skills to nitpick at those who are responsible for the security of the United States. Carol and Elliot show just how easy it is. First of all, they don't acknowledge that those who guided the war on Iraq did the best that they could. Second, they don't understand what a difficult job it was (and still is). Third, they don't acknowledge that those efforts prevented further terrorist attacks. And finally, they don't seem to realize that strong, decisive, authoritative leaders, aren't going to have the types of personalities that engage in a lot of self doubt and backpedaling. Do you want a leader who doesn't have any trouble admitting that he was wrong? Then he will probably be wishy-washy. Sure, there are exceptions; but in general, strength in one area correlates with weakness in another.
So I would say that some mistakes were made in the writing of "Mistakes Were Made." But in spite of the authors' blind spots, they have done their best and have written an engaging book that should be helpful to many readers. And that's good enough for me.
Great book
A great book that helped me understand why I and people I know often behave irrationally. Now when I catch myself "self-justifying" I try very hard to take a step back and re-think the situation. I've lent it out several times and have bought copies to give as gifts.
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